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I never really understood what angst was. People always said the phrase "teenage angst" and I, in theory, understood the concept, but I had never experienced angst before.

I always thought angst was for emo kids. Or goths. Whatever angst was, it wasn't the type of emotion a preppy, hard-working, A- student felt.

But suddenly, I know angst. But my I look at myself and I am not emo or goth. I am the same girl in the polo shirt. But my heart understands angst. For once, I feel like a teenager.

This angst is not caused by family issues, a break up, or a fight with a friend. No. My angst comes from the world. I feel angst because of the current situation in India. I feel angst because of the economic crisis. But most of all, I feel angst because of college.

As I sit in calculus, I can't concentrate. Because at this moment my fate could be being decided. They could accept me. They could deny me. Or worst of all, they could differ me.

The feeling of uncertainty is nerve-racking. I have nightmares. My heart is in constant turmoil. And it is not the heartburn I get from my acid reflux. This is extreme, emotional worry, fear, pain, anxiety, and every other emotion all wraped up inside one tiny, 5 foot body. I feel like I am going to explode.

But as I am writing this, I feel silly. In 15 days I'll be happy or sad. If I am sad, then in about 4 months I'll recieve more letters from different colleges and be happy again.

But that comforting thought does not erase the feelings I am having. I can't just deny the stress of the college process, knowing that I will get in "somewhere." At the risk of sounding even more angsty, I hate the phrase "college process." It sounds so demeaning and derogatory, and yet it doesn't even begin to describe the vast, cruel abyss that is COLLEGE.

I guess I just need an outlet to express my worries about college. There is 1 week left of my first semester. 4 more exams. 15 days left of waiting. And 80 or so more years of my life to remember this time, and sigh, or laugh, or who knows what. It's unwritten. And the sooner I accept that uncertainty, the sooner I can get over myself, and move on.