I wanted the F.

When I was in eighth grade, the middle school band director told everyone that if we didn’t show up for the final concert, he would flunk us for the term.

OK. Fine. Flunk me. I wasn’t going to be the next Clarence Clemons on the sax anyway.

I had already decided not to take band as an elective course for my freshman year of high school. They took band very seriously in my hometown. Too seriously for my tastes. The high school marching band held practice every morning at 7:30 before classes, so it could dominate this endless string of competitions and festivals it was entering.

My decision to shun high school band didn’t go unnoticed. The high school band director drove down to the middle school. He pulled me (and a few others who hadn’t signed up) into an office to grill us on why. He tried shaming, browbeating and begging in an effort to change our minds.

This was exactly the kind of no-perspective, tunnel-vision pressure I was looking to avoid. I didn’t need this nonsense. I decided to boycott the final middle-school concert. I didn’t make a grand proclamation, but I told my friends that I would be a no-show. News eventually filtered up to the middle school band director. He laughed it off. Thought I was bluffing.

On the night of the concert, one of the second-chair sax players, a lovable wise guy named Paul, kept bugging the band director before the show. Based on multiple accounts, the conversations went something like this:

Paul: “Hey, can I play first tonight? Will you let me play first tonight?”

Band director: “What do you mean? DDR plays first. DDR always plays first.”

Paul: “Yeah, but he’s not coming tonight.”

Band director: “What you do mean he’s not coming?”

Paul: “He’s been saying he’s not coming, and he’s not coming. Can I play first tonight?”

My only regret was that I don’t have video of the director’s reaction when reality finally dawned on him. When report cards came out a week or so later, I knew the F would be waiting for me. I would have been upset if I didn't get it. But I was not disappointed.

Band ... F.

It was one of the proudest grades I ever received.