There was a time when I firstly enter education world where I learnt many things from my employer, Jo. She was a tough teacher sometimes even sound so heartless, but long after I realise she was doing it for a reason.

I used to supervise the kids at their lunch time and after that prepare for nap time. Toilet, milk, and read book. One day I got report from a parent that her baby said that she does not want Ms Jo to be angry with her. So the day before this girl, Abby, she had hard time to sleep that I have no more idea to make her sleep then I said. “You have sleep Abby, or Ms. Jo will be angry.” Maybe I said that more for myself because Jo would say firmly that I must make them sleep. Jo said that I am the boss, so I should make them do what I said. But how does to make them see that I am the boss?

The hardest thing was at the toilet training. It was time for toilet for the kids and they are in the middle of a play. I tried to ask Abby to go for pee but she refused, she said she was not felt like to pee yet. But later I found her panty was wet. I was amazed how easy for Jo to ask Abby to go to toilet. And the next day I practise that new strategy. “Why don’t we race to the toilet and see how much time you will spend for pee. Ready? One, two, three...!” Wow, she would run to the toilet enthusiastically.

One funny thing but also important thing happened along with my learning to be an educator. That day I took Abby and Toto for pee in the afternoon. She saw Toto’s penis and asked. “What is that little thing in his bottom?” I was stunned, did not know how to answer for a 2 years old girl understanding. “Honey, that little thing is how we know someone a boy or a girl. A boy has that little thing in his bottom, but we girls don’t have that little thing.” She looked thinking, analysing what I just told her. Then I checked her understanding, “Do you think your cousin Sarah has that little thing in her bottom?” She shook her head in her cute way, “Nnoooo.” I tried to find someone closer with her to identify, “And what about your daddy, does her has that little thing?” I should’ve find someone else to be identified, afraid if later she checked that with her father and he might found it not acceptable, and luckily it was alright. “Yes....” She replied. Good, she understood then.

It was also remarkable how a kid can be your shadow for a period of time. That would make you have emotional attached with him. When Kaka enrolled for a childcare, he was crying all the time. He was only 2 and luckily his mother trusted us to take care of his son. Kaka would cry and his nose was running. I should bring tissue and plastic bag in my pocket for him. He would follow me wherever I went and I tried to make him feel safe with me that made him feels comfortable in the school.

While other brave girl, Gina, she was doing very good at the first day. She really enjoyed playing in new environment. This situation can be tricky... wait for the second day. She cried and called out her mother. I carried her and tried to comfort her, asked her to join a game, anything to distract her attention. But she didn’t want to do anything. She is a stubborn girl, I found out afterwards. I asked Jo if we better call for her mother and make someone to accompany her. Jo said no, she would be okay, said Jo. What a heartless person, I thought. Slowly I observed that Gina could cope with new environment and became a cheerful girl.

That was my greatest time with Abigail Leigh Owen, Regina Lim, and Azka Fatah Muhammad. My childcare kids in 2005. I missed them and wish I could meet them one day.

Does getting healthy and fit seem like a jigsaw puzzle that has you stumped?  Are you wanting to do something but don’t know where to start?  If you’re still reading this then you know you want to do something and that’s the very first step!  The second step is deciding if you have the commitment it will take to see it through.

As you might know already, I started P90X in October of last year and I’ll be honest, I didn’t really put the focus on it from the beginning.  My plan at the time was just to incorporate it into what I was doing already.  I was running, attending spin classes and doing a few push-ups, lunges and crunches right after cardio.  That alone made me lose 10 pounds of my goal.  I weighed about 145 after a year of breastfeeding (A Secret To Weight Loss That Men Don’t Possess) and I wanted to get back to where I was before I had kids which was 125.  I’m only 5′5 but I thought if I got down to 120 I’d have a 5 pound cushion to play with.  So my exercise routine got me down to 135 but I couldn’t seem to break that mark and it started to really annoy me.

So then, I realized I had to start making some real changes.  I started keeping a log of what I ate every day to give me an idea of where I could change things.  I also got 2 metabolic tests done at my gym that determined my resting metabolic rate and my metabolic rate after I had been running for 15 minutes to figure out where I burned fat most efficiently.  That right there was the missing piece of the puzzle that I needed to start making seeing changes.  I found out that all those days at the gym without a heart rate monitor really held me back from attaining my goal.  I wasn’t ever getting into my fat burning zone, not to mention, prior to these tests I had no idea what my fat burning zone was.  At the time (September 09) the zone I needed to be in the majority of my workout was 160-168 beats per minute.  Wow, what a difference that has made.  It turns out, I was hardly working my body to the degree I need to in order to see results.  I was also doing very light resistance work and only about 15 minutes of it.  Not good enough to see the changes I wanted.   The other key piece of these tests gives you your caloric intake for the day on days you work out and the days you don’t.   On days I don’t work out my caloric intake is 1100 calories.  On the days I do work out it’s about 1400-1500 calories depending on the workout.  This astounded me because I was eating 1800 calories.  I thought that was where my intake should be, being a female.  Wow, was I way off?!  Everyone is different.

Since I didn’t take P90X seriously at first I have no formal before and after pictures.   But here’s a picture of me in Hawaii last July.  I’m not very proud of this but hey, you have to start somewhere, right?

And here’s picture of me taken a week ago….

I also made huge changes in my diet.   I cut down my coffee from 3 or more cups to just 1 and started using sugar free liquid creamer (not powder) and 1 tiny teaspoon of Splenda (but I hear Stevia is better for you).  The other significant change I made was cutting out alcohol.  I now only drink on a Friday or Saturday night and only if we’re going out to dinner or hanging with friends, and even then I try to only have one drink.  Below is a sample menu of what I eat every day.  If you can handle this, then start doing it!  The hardest part is making yourself eat every 2 hours.  You will see the results and I’ll be here to help coach you along the way!

My Sample Menu

Breakfast (eat breakfast within an hour of waking up)
- cup of coffee (with my sugar free hazelnut CoffeeMate creamer)
- bowl of oatmeal w/ 1 tsp of Splenda (Quaker Oats not the processed sugary oatmeal)
- 1/2 of a banana (I give the other half to my 2 year old)

Snack (2 hours later)
- 1 small apple with 2 TBL of organic peanut butter (I share this also with my 2 year old)

Lunch (2 hours after snack)
- a sandwich with Light whole grain bread, 2-3 fresh slices of low sodium turkey from the deli and a thin slice of pepperjack cheese,
 I use light mayonnaise on 1 piece of bread and regular on the other
- a side salad (romaine lettuce, grape tomatoes and 1 TBL of light champagne dressing (Girard’s brand)

Recovery Drink (after I work out)
- protein shake with glutamine (P90X recovery drink or Hi-Health’s brand).  the Hi-Health protein shake I use is 120 calories, 24 g protein, 1 g fat and 4 carbs.  I also will have another shake right before bed at night if I feel so hungry that I might not be able to sleep.  This is the best thing to eat if you HAVE to eat before bed.

Snack (at least an hour after snack)
- a 6oz yogurt (Light and Fit -strawberry or strawberry cheesecake) or I’ll opt for a granola bar (Nature Made Oats and Honey)
- a baby-size handful of raisins (I won’t do this if I choose to have the granola bar)

Dinner (2 hours after snack)
- grilled, baked or sauteed chicken, fish, or turkey
- 1/2 cup brown rice
- favorite veggies (my fave is the Steamers broccoli, carrots, sugar snap peas and water chestnuts)

….. and of course WATER!  I drink about 90 ounces of water or more (on workout days) EVERY DAY!

Is this seems feasible for you then do it with me.  We can do this together.  As an Independent BeachBody Coach (creators of P90X, Insanity, ChaLean Extreme, etc.) I can help you reach your goals, just as I did.   I coach many others every day.  I am primarily on Facebook where I can interact with you and give tips, tricks and links.

Now, I must be going.  It’s Thursday, time for Yoga… X Style.  Come on Tony, let’s go! 

For more on my P90X journey visit:  www.amothersmemoir.com

Celebrate Women's History Month with Financial Information Tailored to

Women's Unique Realities

Every woman has her own idea of financial success, and a unique situation that impacts her plans. Some leave work to care for their children. Others help support their parents. Many wish they had started investing earlier in life. And while each woman’s circumstances are unique, women’s financial values focus on a common theme: ways to build financial security, independence and quality of life for themselves and their families, according to Women & Co.’s new survey, Women and Affluence 2010. For more on women’s financial realities and personal stories, visit womenandco.com.

To help women define their personal financial legacy, Lisa Caputo, Founder, Chairman and CEO of Women & Co., and Linda Descano, CFA^®, President of Women & Co., offer the following tips to help ensure that the assets you’re building today are directed to the people and causes you care most about in the future:

1. Take Inventory.

• Organize your finances
• Use the Document Locator to help you get started.
• Create a net worth statement.
• Outline your assets, and maintain the list for your financial professional’s reference.

 2. Assemble a Team of Professionals.

Your team members may include:

–        A financial professional

–        An attorney

–        A tax professional

3. Communicate Your Wishes.

• Create a will. This document will provide instructions as to how your property and assets are to be distributed after your death.
• Draft a living will. A living will helps doctors and loved ones make decisions about your wishes if you become incapacitated.
• Assign power of attorney. A durable power of attorney is a contract which allows you to designate another person to act on your behalf.
• Appoint a health care proxy. This document provides for someone other than yourself to make your medical decisions in the event you are unable to because of accident or illness
• Determine if a trust fits into your plan. Trusts allow people to give assets to their heirs under certain conditions. Your team of professionals will help you determine if a trust is the appropriate instrument for you.
• Consider charitable contributions. Would you like any of your assets donated to a favorite charity or cause? Decide on a prudent charitable contribution strategy when working with your team of professionals.

 4. Protect Your Family.

• Nominate a guardian for your minor children. Who will care for your children should you become unable to act or die?
• Review your insurance coverage. Speak to your team of professionals to learn more about the coverage options available, and what coverage may offer benefits for your beneficiaries.
• Designate beneficiaries. A beneficiary designation describes how you want your assets distributed upon your death. Naming or changing beneficiaries requires your original signature on the appropriate beneficiary forms.

 5. Make it Official.

• File your important documents. Make sure you and your team of professionals submit your documents properly so they become effective in a timely manner.
• Inform key people of their roles. Communicate your intentions to the individuals you’ve appointed and confirm they accept the responsibility.
• Provide signed copies of each important document to your key appointees.

 6. Keep it Going. 

• Review your estate plan regularly. Many life changes, like marriages, births, divorces, death, retirements, relocations and inheritances can affect your estate plan.
• Address these changes with your team of professionals to determine how your plans may need to be changed.

Women & Co. is a vehicle for insightful women to build their financial knowledge, bolster their confidence and create financial strategies that will help them achieve their goals. Through access to education, resources, and a community of financially-minded women, Women & Co. is the place where wisdom, wealth and women meet. To learn more, visit womenandco.com.

I wonder if people like being who they are.

Do I like being me?

Well, let's see.

I haven't fully been discovered by myself yet.

So I don't really know.

It's hard to tell whether or not you love someone.

Unless they love you back.

Wonder.

Amazement.

That's my feelings right now.

How do people hold they heads hih when hey have cancer,

How do people live though they are hated?

How do people murder other and feel no sorrow?

That is my question.

How do people not wonder?

Because to me wondering is...

Better than curiousity.

It doesn't kill cats,

Or have three vowels in a row.

(iou)

So wonder.

What happens next?

Where do we go?

Where do we start?

Where does it end?

-YNK13

Smile :)

And wonder >?

Having gone to bed tooooo early I am now wide awake and bored...

It is entirely to early to start the house work, and I don't feel like cleaning anyway. So what is the next best thing to do!

Graphics what else! I mean really, what in the world can you do @5:00 am that won't make any noise.

So have a....

 I can sincerely say that friends as well as family have called me from stupid to the biggest failure in life just because of one kid. I'm 16 year old and for the past year I've been stuck on this one kid who's only 10 days older than me. I know I'm too young to be stuck on him and I'm aware that there are many fish out there but he's the guy I want both because I like him and he has been my longest relationship. 

He lies like his life depends on it. 

He lies to me all the time and I believe this is what keeps me holding on. His lies usually involve him telling me that he likes me and he doesn't want us to stop talking; this is how I know that I'm the only girl that has liked him this much, ever. He knows I'm always going to be here whenever he decides to come back.  I know that someday I'll get over him, but right now this seems impossible. 

Wanted to let this out on my first story. 

You act like it's all fine.

Like it's the most normal thing in the world.

You act like it's not unheard of.

Like I wouldn't care.

But I do.

I care a lot.

And when you told me I shut down.

My body went limp.

I sagged down in my chair, my blank eyes fixed on the screen.

My hand went over my mouth.

I screamed inside.

People come running.

I shake my head.

Nothing is wrong.

Everything is fine.

Except it's not.

Nothing has ever been... fine.

This year at the Durango Independent Film Festival, a special filmmaker panel will be titled, "Avatar and the Use of 3-D in Narrative Film", and will be held at Jean-Pierre Bakery and Wine Bar in Durango. There are also many parties at the festival, which runs through March 7, including Welcome the Filmmakers Party & Sutcliffe Wine Tasting. In Toronto, the World of Comedy Film Festival presents comedy films from around the world showcasing films of the genre from both Canadian and International filmmakers, and classic comedy favorites, through March 7. The Athens International Sci-Fi & Fantasy Film Festival, organized by the Science Fiction Club of Athens, Greece, had its roots as a retrospective of  Greek genre short films but has now become international in scope. The festival runs March 4-10 in Athens. The Miami Film Society in association with Miami Dade College’s School of Entertainment & Design Technology, and the University of Miami’s School of Communication, opens the Miami International Film Festival, March 5-14, hosting a festival format that presents the REEL Seminar Series, with dialogue from speakers discussing various aspects of the creative process of film production and financing to distribution and new technologies, and continues the Encuentros Program, started in 2003 to import commercially viable projects from both Spain and Latin America to Miami. PitchMarket 2010 in Vancouver, on March 6-7, promises the opportunity to meet decision makers from every level -- big budget studio execs to low-budget indie producers -- creating opportunities for networking as in the Sunday Networking Breakfast in the Sunday PitchMarket, and the Oscar Wrap Party with a full dinner menu held on closing night. PitchMarket is making a list of confirmed executives available on its Facebook page.

The 82nd Annual Academy Awards, also known as The Oscars, will be broadcast live from Los Angeles over the ABC Television network beginning at 8 pm Eastern, 5 pm Pacific time. Across the U.S., sanctioned viewing parties will be given, produced by local nonprofit organizations with the active participation of the local ABC-TV affiliate station. The Oscar Night® America events, are held under the auspices of the Academy, capturing the festive atmosphere of the official program taking place at The Kodak Theater. Steve Martin and Alec Baldwin will serve as co-hosts of the 82nd Awards. LUNAFEST, the fundraising film festival dedicated to promoting awareness about women's issues, highlighting women filmmakers, and bringing women together in their communities, opens exactly on the day of International Women’s Day, March 8, offering just one of many events taking place in the month honoring women and women's achievements. The Tenth Annual International Film & TV Summit looks at the role of banks and specialized finance companies in providing financing for film production, and how to obtain financing to get independent feature films made, distributed and marketed in challenging economic times. It meets in Los Angeles from March 8-9. This year at the annual Game Developers Conference in San Francisco, in addition to usual conference lectures, panels, tutorials and round-tables, the twelfth annual Independent Games Festival, where new, unpublished games compete for the attention of the publishing community, is also taking place, along with the tenth annual Game Developers Choice Awards. Many parties and networking functions will be held, including the iPhone Games Summit Reception. The Center for Asian America Media hosts the San Francisco International Asian American Film Festival (SFIAAFF) every March as a showcase for new Asian American and Asian films, this year running from March 11-21. The opening night gala and reception at the Asian Art Museum, treats its guests with free-flowing desserts and drinks.

The Opening Night Filmmakers Reception and Cocktail Party for the Honolulu Film Festival, given along the shores of Waikiki Beach, from March 12-14, is held from Tiki's Grill and Bar. After three days of film screenings, special Hawaiian premieres, celebrity tributes, interactive panel discussions, a screenplay competition, a filmmaker reception luau, there will be a Closing Night Awards Ceremony to close the festival at the Hilton Hawaiian Village Beach Resort. While the ÉCU goal for the European Independent Film Festival is to bring worldwide attention to European independent filmmakers, there are also four foreign categories open to independent filmmakers from the Americas, Africa and Asia. And to make the ÉCU Film Festival a rewarding film festival experience for all during its run in Paris, March 12-14, festival goers can attend editing workshops given by AVID, screenwriting labs hosted by Scriptshark, join in on discussion panels just as attending directors  have the opportunity to speak about their films at the “Speak to the Directors” panel sessions, and get hands-on experience with the latest filmmaking technology. South by Southwest (SXSW) Film Conference and Festival will be conducted in three parts: Interactive, on March 12-16; Film, on March 12-20; Music, on March 17-21. Regarded as a place of discovery and interactivity, the event in Austin offers multiple networking opportunities and immersion into the art and business of the areas it addresses. The 24th annual South By Southwest Barbecue and Softball Tournament, happens Sunday, March 21, at Monroe "Lefty" Krieg softball complex. A March 13 New York workshop, titled, "Hit Factory: Making Your Music Make Money", will use the morning hours to present “Understanding Your Market”; helping to develop individual business strategies, followed by the afternoon session that will continue with “Making The Hits”, then finish with “Selling the Hits”. Songs by workshop attendees will be reviewed and all attending are encouraged to either bring their song recordings on an iPod or a CD.

BMI is a co-sponsor of The Latin Rock Conference, a platform of selection and promotion of up and coming Latin Rock bands. The conference will begin a rock tour that moves through various music halls of Queens, Manhattan and Brooklyn to select the ten best Latin bands in New York that will go on to play in the Grand Concert at Prospect Park West, Brooklyn, in July. The 2010 winning band will travel to Colombia to participate in "Rock al Parque" (Rock to the Park) in Bogota, one of the largest concerts of this music in this country. The Bermuda International Film Festival takes place in Hamilton, March 19-25, and is recognized by the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences as a qualifying festival for the Short Film Academy Award, screening some 30 shorts plus seven documentary features and seven narrative features in competition. The Delray Beach Film Festival gets started this year March 22-28, and has a short screenplay competition, sidebar programs dedicated to 3D films, music videos, environmental films, and surf and extreme sports films. But this year at Delray will also feature Ellen Jacoby of Ellen Jacoby Casting International presenting a casting workshop, and Michelle Hillery from the Palm Beach Film and Television Commission hosting a filmmaker brunch. Women's International Film & Arts Festival, held annually during Women's History month, WIFF 2010 will include nine days of film viewings, from March 26 through April 3, in Miami-Dade and Broward Counties, along with workshops, panel discussions and parties to celebrate women’s history month and WIFF. ShowBiz Expo New York offers  a wide range of networking opportunities including the Exhibit Hall, Workshops/Seminars, Designers’ Showcase, Focus Groups, Round Table Discussions, Film Festival, Headshot Displays for casting, live auditions for performers, Movie Reel Showcase, Original Music Showcase, and much more. The Association for Performing Arts & Entertainment Professionals opens its annual United States Institute for Theatre Technology in Kansas City, March 31 through April 3. The conference is geared specifically to the design, production, and technology professionals in the performing arts and entertainment industry, and this year will celebrate 50 years with a special anniversary party.

The above events are only a sample of what is fully listed. Complete details are on the "Media, Entertainment and Performing Arts Industry News and Events" page at actorschecklist.com/news.html. Video and podcast versions of this news summary are also available at popular video sites around the Web like MySpace, YouTube, Daily Motion, as well as on The Actor's Checklist podcast blog at actorschecklist.com/loudblog. Follow the posting of the news summary on Twitter at: http://twitter.com/actorschecklist. After a brief layoff for restructuring purposes, the video news summary looks to make an early reappearance this month featuring new video and upcoming album release from UK's soulful, break beat songstress Bukola, electronic, ambient music producers and feature filmmakers, Padded Cell Productions of Toronto, and the "spiritual fusion acoustic sitar experimental chanting spoken word improvisation" of Scot Aaron and Govinda Schlegel who form Shaman Strings. These videos are now available on the Free Home Video Showcase at http://www.actorschecklist.com/video which now serves as an archive for all past video presentations but without the audio news narration.

Summary: Learning to speak... the new language of light

“Enlightened thinkers” say awaken consciousness, I say consciousness is awake, hence awareness. If you seek transformation awaken unconscious

The New Language of Light speaks to the transformation of humankind, one beyond the limits of conscious self and the current language of awakening.

The concept of continued evolution thru awakening consciousness is ‘of itself’ (a conscious understanding), and therefore limited to and by conscious awareness and the belief that it/we control.

The energy that was Evolution cannot be duplicated, its existence ‘TO’, is complete, the totality of our being is its result. Growth is and always has been a choice, requiring the ‘want’ to transcend consciousness. Transformation lies in our ability to understand the role of the unconscious and the acceptance that it/we are energy and spirit.

“Conscious awakening to Unconscious, the transformation of humankind”

This is the monumental transformation awaiting humanity, transformation from self-aware beings to intuitive beings.

I will sometimes wonder how exactly everything happened so fast.

And if what everyone has told me in the past few days is true.

If it is really love, or just a desire to be loved by someone?

For both of us.

If she really is my friend again, or if the trash talk will continue.

If the depression will creep back into my life.

If I will never be able to be... loose.

Free.

Able to tell everyone how I feel.

If they will ever find a word to express how I feel at times.

If anyone knows how behind the happy mask is the truth.

The sadness.

It presses in sometimes.

So hard I can't breathe.

If He, the one who caused so much of this, will strike against me again.

The truth?

I am sad.

I am scared.

I feel alone, though everyone is telling me they'll always be there.

I tell myself I can do things that I can't.

And the disappointment presses.

You can't do anything.

You're not worth anything.

And I know it's not true.

I'm supposed to be done with the drama.

Done with the bad friends.

The betrayal.

The hurt.

I guess after comforting people through so many of their own problems, I caused my own.

I see him in swimming every day.

He is blond.

He has blue eyes, and freckles.

He is tall, and skinny.

He's an Abercrombie golden boy.

He's wonderful.

To everyone.

But behind everything is confusion.

I see it, everyday.

He wonders why he did those things.

Sometimes, when his eyes are fixed on me, and then speaks to someone behind me, I wonder if he will ever apologize.

Though I expect nothing from him.

It would feel good.

It would lessen the guilt of screaming at my mother to leave me alone when she asked me what was wrong.

The anger of holding everything in from the vice principal begging me to tell him what happened just so he wouldn't get in trouble.

But I suppose, if it hadn't happened, I would not be as close to God as I am now.

I'd remember taking the tacks and dragging them over my arm.

not enough for blood.

Enough to hurt, and leave small white scratches.

I remember the day.

I had come so close to losing too much.

It was just an accidental cut.

It was the razor.

I wasn't using soap or water.

It took the skin off my leg.

It wasn't my fault.

And while I sat there, woozy from blood loss and too afraid to yell, God came.

I wasn't dying.

I wasn't fading out.

It was a whisper.

Pick up the towel.

Put it over your leg.

I did.

And I am here today.

I guess what He did made me stronger.

And as I said, I understand why he needed to do it.

And I'm not mad at him.

I dont know what I'm feeling.

Possible the same feeling I get when I go outside and throw rocks at the icicles dripping form the house, watching them fall and shatter.

The feeling that every icicle is me.

Shattering on the frozen ground.

Maybe it's the fact that it's winter.

Maybe I need summertime.

Maybe I need someone to hold me and tell me its okay.

Maybe I need to cry.

I have not cried over this.

I have taken it numbly.

Showing no emotion.

Acting happy when my friends are around.

Writing meaningless songs on the guitar.

Playing with the out of turn plastic keyboard.

Blasting my trumpet.

Singing my choir songs.

Living.

I am living.

Life.

This is life.

I need to be free.

202,391 viewers help spread the word!

pls help me end my 11yrs of homelessness by watching my video on youtube search corporate blacklisted mechanical engineer and pls tell your friends..for my evidence check my blogs at www.billsin.ning.com
on youtube: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=H_bqrNZL7YA
on vimeo (updated):
http://vimeo.com/5000559
thanks
with a smile bill
google blacklisted engineer
www.geocities.com/billbutler921

UPDATE

In all fairness to Chrysler’s communication group I gave them ample since we conversed to inform the public of the next step in my campaign to obtain justice. I found a number for Chrysler on a website called scribd and called it on 10.12.09 think they would be on vacation they were not. I said, I was not prepared to her today, I was just wanted to verifying the number and I would call tomorrow. She said what this is about, I replied search Chrysler and Compuware blacklisted engineer to get a preview.

 I called the next day and the same lady said that she did some research for me and I should be talking to a certain individual and she gave me his name and number, then she connected me. I left a message for a director of communications…he called me the very next day.

 His opening line was that I was a contractor and they would not be any records….I replied every dollar that Chrysler spends they have a record of it. His next words were I need to give it up it since it is been so long…my replied was when I die is when I will give it up. Next it gets interesting; he asked me how much money do I want. I stated how much you think I want?  12 years of my life gone. I not a lawyer was his reply..Ok let’s get a team of lawyers together and discuss it. That has not happen yet.  Recently my yahoo account was comprised and a note was sent out to all my contacts asking for 2000 dollars and that I was stuck in the u.k. with a hotel bill and needed this money to get home. He received the note and at 8.21 in the morning he blackberried me to clarify the note, I told him it was a scam and nothing was changed……so he is watching.

She awakes, lifting her head and letting her eyes dart across the dark room.  She lifts her arms above her head and stretches slowly, her arms moving in a wide arc. Everything she does is graceful. Her long, red curls gather around her waist when she bounces off the bed, and straightens her posture. She looks around the room, her pure white nightgown around her ankles. She picks a red dress, brighter than flames, almost as beautiful as her porcelain face. She fits her small pale feet into her favorite white ballet slippers., and leaves the room.

Before she knows it, she is at the edge of the water. The water of the lake, next to her house. Her wide green eyes widen in surprise. The lake is not frozen. She lifts her leg and touches the water with the tip of her shoe. Ice shoots out from where she is standing to every part of the lake. She lets a small smile cross her face for the first time.

And she is dancing.

Twirling, spinning, whirling, letting her dress cause reflections on the ice where the sun is hitting it just right, the white clashing with the red, clashing with the yellow from the sun beating down. She doesn't bother with a hair tie. She lets it whirl around her face, hiding anything. She lets a giggle escape from her lips. Here she is safe.

And the ice breaks through under her.

She sinks immediately, having no time to even scream, though she would not have. She had not spoken for a long time, being forbidden from any kind of noise. Over the years, she had been taught to let nothing surprise her, to never speak if not necessary, to be beautiful and graceful, though deadly and dangerous. She had not been even remotely scared when it happened. She had always loved the water.

She found herself unable to swim upwards, though. The farther she attempted to struggle towards the surface, the stronger the water pressure was, dragging her under. But she realized then- she had been breathing this whole time. So she let herself sink to the bottom, which was surprisingly warm, for the bottom of a lake.

But she never reached the bottom.

Instead, she landed on what seemed to be a dance floor. Colorful swishing and whirling of thousands of people around her were everywhere. She was surprised this time. But she let nothing show. She knew she was safe nowhere now. Someone must have heard her. Seen her. Possibly Heather. Could she have used her power to melt the ice?

It didn't matter. She was here, and she could breathe. What now? She got up from her sitting position. It was as if the water was not really there. She felt no different, moved no different, and if she tried to speak, her words would not come out gurgled. Or, she thought. Everyone around her was dead silent, their eyes darting around the room. It was as if they were... afraid of something.

Suddenly, something cold touched her shoulder. She slowly turned around, and saw him.

And was truly terrified for the first time in seven years. He was totally black. Everything about him. The only thing not covered in darkness was his smile. His smile curled up in a Chesire Cat way, showing a lot of bright white teeth. He was a shadow. She had not felt his actual hand, just something cold, almost... going through her. His smile was not happy- it was evil.

She picked up her skirts and fled. She ran all over the dance floor, darting through couples danging, embracing, and sharing kisses, until she found an exit. There was no door, only an extremely long hallway. She ran through it, looking around. A hallway of mirrors. This way, the shadow man seemed to be everywhere, and no matter where she looked, he was there. On the ceiling, on the walls, even underneath her.

The end of the hallway had no turn. No wall. Just a drop off. She had no time to look down. She threw herself over the edge.

But instead of sinking, she rose to the top of the water. She ran in the house and grabbed Heather. Heather was the girl that had first come here with her. Heather had always hated her, she knew that. But Heather was also the only one she really knew. Having no conversation with anyone, it is extremely hard to make friends. Heather jumped in the lake with her, no hesitation. Maybe because of the terrified expression on her face. Maybe because Heather had secretly always liked her.

She never found out.

As soon as she jumped in, she knew something was wrong.

She couldn't breathe. And she can't swim. Heather knew this, and noticed immediately that she couldn't breathe. She swam back up, leaving her in the water. She was losing air. she couldn't hold it anymore. She was sinking, sinking, sinking. She lifted one hand to her throat, and the other above her head, trying to just.. move her body up far enough that she would float.

But it wasn't possible. She sank down the to very bottom. There was no dance floor. Just cold sand. She landed on it, and closed her eyes. The air bubbled out of her mouth. She was dead.

Two black shoes appeared by her face.

Two black hands lifted her pale white body in them.

The two shoes pushed off.

The shadow man carried her to the surface. He set her down in the warmer sand. He brushed his lips across her cheek. He mouthed something. After all the years in that house, you are used to not speaking. Everyone is. He knew, one day, she would join all of them down there in the castle. He didn't bother trying to get her to breathe again.

He dived in the water. And as the water splashed her face, she opened her eyes and lifted her head, just as she had done that very morning. She looked around, slowly. She stood up, brushed the sand off of her body, and began walking back to the giant house.

Heather, looking in from the window, smiled.

"Well done," she whispered.

You'll never guess what I dreamed about.

I was told....

That everything was gonna be alright...

That you would always be by my side...

But no.

I am standing here...

And guess what?

I'm alone.

He left me in tears...

After all those years of love,

Not worth my time...

Friends.

That was all he wanted to do with me.

Maybe we could pretend that we were still lovers...

No.

We're ended..

I guess that..

It's over...

I thougt we'd last forever..

No.

It's over.

And he left me in tears...

To drown..

It all started at my house.

I wanted to go to The Dollar Store to get some pencils for ISTEP but my mom insisted we go to CVS.

There we were at CVS and then we saw one of my good friends parents A.K.A.the Lintons.

We were chatting for a while, then Mrs. Linton said that their dog got out.

There at CVS Mrs. Linton got a call from their daughter saying their dog is getting attacked by a wolf-dog and I started balling and then Mrs. linton starts asking if she's dead and then starts balling into the phone.

I run into CVS and then get my pencils.

We go follow the Lintons home.

Then there is Gracie.

First you should all know that Gracie is a 2 pounds 4 ounces in weight and she is only about 1 foot tall and at the age 1 (she is still a puppy).

Anyway we are at the Lintons and then we see Gracie she looks alive at first but she is cold. very cold.

She has a couple cracked ribs and her neck snapped but no blood; she is dead, though the dog didnt attack it it just tried carrying it in it's mouth, the dog is just so fragile.

We start crying then we go home.

The next day it is school.

Everyone of her good friends are weeping, the bad thing is that we had to focus on ISTEP the whole day!

I dont know how I did but I feel kinda good about ISTEP.

• What's the problem?

• What is my state of consciousness?

• Putting our Problems to Bed

• The Primacy Of Consciousness

The single-hardest thing to do in life.

Good-byes.

Tears of sadness,

And all that gushy crap.

But no one gets it.

Good-bye might be...

The End.

That right there might be the last thing to ever say to anyone.

Good-bye.

Short.

So terrible, are these good-byes...

That I hate to say them.

To give is to get...

To farewell is to forget.

I think that's my quote.

Thanks for reading.

Ta-ta For Now

Because this is not goodbye...

It is...

-YNK13

As you know--

Smile.

"Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails. -1 Corinthians 13

"I think that everyone would agree that "Papa" could be substituted for the word "love" anywhere in that scripture. He was the definition of love in my book. It's no surprise that red tulips were always his favorite flowers, as they symbolize perfect, undying love, much like that of which he shared with us, especially me, his only granddaughter who, in his own words, is "pretty all the time, but beautiful when she smiles". So this is for you Papa."

I'll never forget those words I spoke as my final farewell to my best friend, my grandpa, who lived with me and shared every moment with me, the laughter, the tears, the frustration, the fear of growing up. He was always there and I'll never forget the mark he left in my heart. 

It’s officially been longer than I’ve ever gone without him. Two weeks, two days, and counting. I miss him a lot. He’s been here my entire life, until now. And now, he’s gone forever. But at least he’s where he belongs.

It’s so hard to wear this smile; it’s so hard to not be selfish. He wants me to be happy—he loves to see me smile—but it’s so hard without him and his insanity, his humor, his comfort. I’m so, so, incredibly lonely without him here. I miss his toothless smile, his carefree laugh, his landmark of a nose. I miss his presence; I miss knowing he’s here.

Watching him go was so hard, so painful. I couldn’t bear to see him like that any longer. I’m glad he didn’t have to suffer anymore. I’m glad I got to be with him and I’m glad I was the last one that he saw, or felt. Life is so different now, without him, without daily trips to the Hospital or Nursing Home. Without kissing his rough, stubbly cheek, without being his sweetie. I miss him so much its unbearable.

I’m stupid to think that having a dog would take away this pain. He was so irreplaceable. I doubt these feelings will ever die down, he was much too big a part of my life for me to even hope that I could get over this. I loved him too much, he left too deep a mark. I need him now more than anything. Just a smile, a kiss, a laugh, a word. I can’t wait to see him again, I hope he knows who I am; I hope it’s so innocent and pure as it always has been.

“Tonight I’ve fallen and I can’t get up. I need your loving hands to come and pick me up. And every night I miss you I can just look up and know the stars are holding you, holding you, holding you tonight.”

I love you forever.

I gave.

I got.

I gave.

Nothing.

At all.

I gave.

I gave, and I gave.

I gave until one day I snapped.

I was so worked up.

Everyone else's happiness was top priority...

And I forgot about mine.

So I guess...

To give a little...

You got to be able to know...

That you won't get what you expect.

Giving is great.

Just don't over-do it.

Like me.

I guess the word that defines me is...

Actually I don't know.

Any suggestions?

I'm me.

That's all.

Nothing more,

Nothing less.

-YNK13

I guess...

Smile.

I understand why you did it.

You may have felt weak, and may have felt stronger by doing the things you did to me.

I understand how you may have felt when everyone knew about it.

I understand why you hate me now.

I understand why you may have felt that you weren't doing anything wrong.

That it was all a game.

That now that someone loves me, I may have forgotten about it?

Now that my life is good.

That I have friends and family more now than ever.

That I, while being comforted about everything, never tell anyone what you did.

You may feel better knowing that everyone's forgotten about it.

You may feel better knowing that there's a smile on my face everyday.

But what do you think I do, when I come home and sit in my room, and think about everything?

When I look at my reflection in the mirror and think about everything you said to me?

The way you would run your fingers through my hair and laugh at me as I winced, and struggled against the window i was pushed up against.

I understand.

I. Understand.

I understand everything.

I understand that you didn't know that by what you did, so many horrible things happened to me.

To my friends.

To everyone I cared about.

It was your fault.

All. Your. Fault.

But I understand.

Kind of.

You're a boy.

You're supposed to hurt people's feelings.

I. Forgive. You.

I. Understand.

Speaking of, apparently my teacher hates it when people write woot. What do you think? Personally I like it.
I've got a biology test tomorrow, but after trying to study for a couple of hours, I still don't think it'll go over well. Yet I can't bring myself to care. Sheesh, where did stress queen Alyssa go? She's been replaced by buddha woman.
So I've been eighteen for just over a month. In that span of time a ton of stuff has happened, all towards the good. I'm hoping its a good omen for the rest of ther year??? ^^ I got a pony. I got my lip pierced. And lately I've been so happy just being able to talk and laugh with a person I like (???) without the pressure of stupid drama bf/gf shit. You know, just because you like someone, doesn't mean that you have to date them. I'm preparing for a transition, let me enjoy the ride. Is that what growing up is?
ooooh Manson. I haven't heard you for a while.
So yep, about that piercing... That was a pretty interesting experiance, I gotta say. Never thought my mother would willingly bring me to a tattoo and piercing parlor, but that just goes to show how awesome she really is. Lately she's been letting me make my own decisions. Even my dad didn't protest, which is surprising. Teehee. So I went into the shop, and met the piercer named Ben. He's a character man. He talked to me and my mom, showed me what I was gonna get, using words like 'this bad boy right here'. Totally laid back too, yet energetic. Does that make sense? Details that are definitely going into my character database for further writing use.
So I went to the back, to his little station, which was filled with cool tattoo designs and pictures on the wall. I saw Gansesh and smiled. Ben showed me the tools, a lovely clamp and thick needle. If your getting woozy tune out right about here. So he disinfected my lip and about half my face a bizillion times. I was also introduced to the lovely taste of plain listerine, which I still haven't become accustom to. We decided where the piercing would go, making note of my 'five thousand dollar lips'. ('People pay for these...' XD) Then comes the fun part. Snap on the clamp. (I felt like a cow or something with my lip hanging like that, lol.)And before I knew it there was a huge needle sticking in my face, ha ha ha. I definitely judged the pain gauge correctly, not enough to whine about, but definitely enough to smart. ('Keep breathing,'... I am breathing! Its not my fault I'm already super pasty. Yeah I didn't say that. ) My mom was all like *gasp* oooooh!! *she makes squinty face*
So after the ring was in I got a generous speech on cleaning, along with pamphlet. Gotta clean it like a mofo and turn it like thirty times each morning and night! Thats the only part that stings- but ya gotta do it. Your mouth is a disgusting place kiddies. Brush your tetth before making out. *winks*
So we popped over to shoppers to get supplies, and lo and behold Derek from my ancient civ class shows up. He moved away this semester. I'm looking for witch hazel, with a swollen lip and a hoola hoop sticking out (the ring is big to accomadate swelling), and he asks for my number. *ROUNDS OF APPLAUSE* Go Alyssa! It only took eighteen years of your life! lol. DOubt he'll call but what the hell, it made me feel special.
I got new music from Kirsten, and its left me in another floaty mood. I couldn't put a finger on it, couldn't concentrate on anything,until the urge to write struck me. With only five chapters left to my novel, I've been stuck since the end of exams. (Forced myself not to write, and then couldn't do it again. Doh, great plan. Not.) SO I JUST WROTE SOME CHAPTER 16!!! TAKE THAT B*****S!!!! *tear* Yet again, my muse has inspired me. If I win the lottery I will buy her a grand piano.
So I've been laid back and happy. How is everyone else? I wish it would be spring again, instead of this stubborn squishy mush.
I like to pick fights with the stupid little kid boys on my bus. Well actually, freckle face boy picks more than I do. I only encourage him. lol. I can't wait for his next argument- 'Oh yeah well you're a homo!' 'Your mom is so fat....!!!' 'Four eyes!' Yeah he literally called me four eyes. I laughed. I love little kid logic, the way they call me a 'big kid'. Haha. THey;re so damn honest too. They smack each other right out, call each other ugly and stupid. THey've got no edit buttons yet. Chase, this little five year old, made another girl cry. You know what his apology was? 'Sorry, I'm a dumbass!' I nearly died laughing. Though sometimes the bus tends to smell like stinky little kids... gotta love em.
See, I'd probably be a crap mom, but I sure as hell would be an awesome aunt! You hear that guys? I'M ADOPTING YOUR KIDS SINCE I"VE GOT NO SIBLINGS! HERE COMES AUNTIE ALYSSA!
Let the good times roll.